Thursday, November 28, 2013

Still, Reflective, and Solo (Thanksgiving 2013)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Please enjoy it the way that you see fit. Today I'll be still, reflective, and solo. My only mission for Thanksgiving 2013 is self-care. I'm neither sad nor depressed. I'm not anti-social and I'm definitely not anti-family (shout out to the McCullough and the Silver families). The last 14 months, however, have been life-altering for me. I've lost a great deal: some family, some colleagues, lots of stability, my home, and too frequently, my peace of mind. Instead of fully processing and re-adjusting, I've worked through the grief, been traveling and have attended to other people - hiding from my own issues.

Most troubling, though, is that I've focused too much on what I don't have and what has NOT happened for me. I've also focused too much on my wrongdoings, failures, and shortcomings. And I've certainly been too focused on me not being or having enough - not being smart enough and not having enough power; not being fast enough nor in step; not being stable and not having enough money (!); not feeling beautiful and not being confident. For some time, I’ve doubted that I have enough of anything to get to the next level. My faith has been shaken. I’ve been too focused on all the deficits, comparing myself to others, peeping over fences, and wondering “How come I don’t have that?” or “When is my turn?” And then I’d beat myself up because I’m supposed to know better, I’m supposed to be past all my adolescent, self-pitying yearnings. One would think.

A shift happens for me only when I’m still, reflective, and solo. Different people need different tools in order to shift gears. I need quiet so that I can silence the whining child in my head and humble myself to the re-birthing process that has dominated my life lately. I now respect my every wrongdoing, failure, shortcoming, and deficit as a rung, every hole as a grip. I respect myself as worthy of forgiveness, as I forgive freely. I give thanks knowing that I’m blessed, that I’m more than sufficient, and that since God saw fit to wake me up this morning, I’d better make the best of it!

~ ars.