Just Answer the Question

If someone asks you "How long will it take for you to get here?" and your reply is "Well, I have to stop by the store and then go pick up something from Karima's house, so I should be to you by 6 or later," then this article is for you.

If the request is "Let's pick a day to do lunch. What day works for you?" and you respond with "I have meetings on Tuesday and Wednesday. Next week is hectic," then this is post is for you, too.

Our need to explain, to put things in context, and give unsolicited back-story is crippling. Feminine energy, loquacious Gemini that I am, I have been chastised about this since childhood. Today, however, there's improvement, mostly because I have more work than time on my hands.


In business communications, unless asked, don't top your responses with your process and thoughts patterns for how you arrived from point A to point B. No one cares. Just answer the question.

5 Top Tips on How to Just Answer the Question (Especially in Business Communications)

5. Listen and pay attention. In most conversations, people don't listen to other people. They actually wait their turn to speak. Not cool.

4. More often than not, it's best to keep the personal out of it.

3. Resist the urge to give the back-story, unless asked. Meat first, gravy later.

2. Say "I don't know" if you don't know. It's a perfectly acceptable response and 100% better than improvisation.

1. Seek precision. 

Get a "free space" partner. 
My business partner and I have been best friends for over 20 years. With him, I have the free space to whine and to share all my rants, frustrations, and even my irrationalities. There's a healthy balance of push back as well as commendation in this space. I do all this with my business partner so that I'm as clear-headed as possible when I engage with my staff, clients, and colleagues. Your communications will improve if you disconnect from festering emotions. Find a free space partner to help keep your field of vision clear.

Ask yourself why.
Examine why you have a need to share so much context and nuances when answering questions. For me, I had a strong aversion for misunderstandings. I have always believed that only if you have all the letters in the alphabet, so to speak, could you tell the whole story. Without all the pieces, nothing fully works as it should. While that's true, it manifested in me over-communicating. Similarly, a friend admitted that the reason he talks so much and talks so fast is because he was a naturally curious child who was stifled, often violently. He would get hit in the mouth for asking a question or just for speaking. Now, as a grown man, his idea of being fully expressed is to get it all in...all the time, even if it means talking over people.

Identify the tools that will improve your communication, in business and beyond. Remember that listening is critically important. It involves a focus on "the other," which may be challenging in our "me, my, and I" focused culture. But it's worth it.

Quote of the Week: James Baldwin

It is very nearly impossible... to become an educated person in a country so distrustful of the independent mind.
James A. Baldwin

When You Feel Insufficient

What do you do when everything you offer seems insufficient; when you have made your point and you are STILL mis-understood; when you have decided to make improvements in your life and nothing seems shifts for the better; when none of your burdens are light and you just need some help? What do you do?? Try this and see if it helps:

Be still, get quiet. Relax your shoulders and breathe. Slowly. Cry if you need to. Know that there are solutions to every problem.

And it may be worth asking yourself: Does the blockage start with me? Am I in my own way? Do I need to be more patient, less controlling? Have I overstayed my welcome? Am I as forthright as I think I am? Is my communication clear? Where have I been too quiet? Am I acting or re-acting out of pain or hurt? Would my life be easier if I just ask for support? Shall I just move on?

When I express myself, am I honest and at peace?

When I get stuck and coiled, when I start having these overwhelming urges to cry (and nothing comes out), when I start losing things, and when the clutter piles up on my desk, then I know that it's time for me to be still, get quiet; relax my shoulders and breathe. I close my eyes, humble my head, and I visualize a bright light.

I pray for grace for all my known and unknown flaws. I conjure up a list of all the things I don't want to do, but must. I bring to the forefront all the people and feelings that I don't want to engage, but should. I wrap all them up with courage and promise to not run away. I visualize healthy closure, knowing healthy sometimes tastes bitter. I focus still on the shoulders, where many of us carry our heavy burdens. Deep breathes really do help.

And then I say: "If I am still here, then its for a good reason. I will trust the good in that reason, even if I don't understand it at this moment. Right now, there are things that I can not see and things that I don't yet know that are working in my ultimate favor. When I need to be open and uncoiled, I will be that. When I need to shut down and shut out, I will honor that too. In all, I will respect the power in my life, seek balance, and make progress...every day that I am here."

And then I expect the blessings to flow. They always do.

Lovingly,
ars.